My heart is a battleground.
Sometimes I even think it is not there anymore.
But that’s not possible, is it?
The last time I was deeply in love with somebody ended 1 year ago.
Actually I didn’t want to write about it, but it hurts me again and again and I think I can only get rid of this feeling by talking about it.
1 year ago my last boyfriend dumped me.
No, wait, he didn’t. I had to force him to dump me after two weeks of not-knowing-what’s-going-on. We had a (what I thought) happy relationship of two years.
We travelled the world together for 5 months, only the two of us, managed difficult situations together, had a lot to laugh about, great sex (at least at the beginning) and a caring and honest relationship.
He even kinda proposed to me, bought me a ring and said:
„I think we should get married soon.“
I really thought about it as an option.
Then things got worse. I didn’t want to see it. We only had sex like once a month.He just stopped sleeping with me.
First I thought it’s because of his new job, he had to work in shifts and the job took a lot of his energy. But more and more I realised it was his form of taking more control within the relationship. Dominating me by not having sex. Not that he didn’t want to.
He lay next to me with a hard-on every fucking day. Not doing it.
I got more and more frustrated. My sexuality is an important part of my personality. I am a passionate person who loves to make out and he just took that away from me. I started thinking I was not attractive or sexy enough. I wanted him so badly, tried to seduce him and made a fool out of myself.
I thought: He really really loves me, we will figure that out!
It’s only because he has so much work, etc.
Even when he said to me: „You cannot always get what you want, Sophia!“
…I didn’t want to see it.
Two days before everything broke down he said:
„I am a very lucky and happy man by your side! I love you!“ and kissed me.
Then I didn’t reach him on the phone for 2 days (classic) and after he was online on FB chat (Better than a Post It, hm?) , he wrote the famous sentence:“We need to talk!“
Which means – always and everywhere - „I will break up with you!“
I know that, I said it myself a few times…
After a night of no sleep at all we met and he told me about being so released that he can finally talk to me about that.
But he didn’t say he wanted to break up, more like the „I need some time“-bullshit, „Have-to-find-myself“-blabla…I was so desperate, not understanding what happened to our love overnight that I said: „I’ll give you the time!“
I managed not to contact him for two weeks – giving him time. Haha. Stupid me. I went to Vienna, organised a costume party there, tried to have fun, thinking about him every fucking second.Cried a lot.Couldn’t eat. Still looked…ahm…terrifying…
After two weeks (and yes, I checked his Facebook Profile from time to time) I realised that there was this girl „liking“ everything he did and posted. Then I saw that her profile picture was taken in his appartement. I instantly called him, saying:“I think we need to have a final talk!“
What followed was a conversation where I had to force him to officially break up we me, to say it, give me my freedom, tried to explain to him what I went through during the last two weeks…
Finally, under tears, he gave in. I went to the next drugstore and bought condoms. Determined to fill the big gap that had once been my sexuality.
It took me a few weeks where I really suffered of what felt like an actual physical disease.
I spent half of my days in bed, the other half in the bathtub.
I never ever felt that bad after a break up!
But at some point I started getting better.
Found out that I am NOT not sexy or attractive enough to find men who would love to sleep with me.
After one year of being single and being on my own I really still enjoy it very much indeed.
I would go as far to say that this break up was the
BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2011!
It made me a stronger, much more focused person, very much in love with myself, which is not a bad thing. Surely it’s possible to fall in love again and have a relationship once in a while, but right now I prefer to steal all the cherries from the cake…
The only thing that still hurts is the fact how fast he replaced me by this woman that appeared out of nowhere. Only one month after we oficially broke up, he posted a photo on Facebook of a lock and two keys (deadly kitschy) with the date and their names written on it, something you would do if you get engaged or something.
And two months after the breakup they got their initials tattoed on each others hand/arm.
I know he was not the right guy for me but these are the moments where you think:
Was OUR whole two-year relationship only a silly joke, nothing more?
That’s when I hate Valentine’s Day…